idk.

iiiiiii suck so bad. i keep gaining weight cuz there was nothing for me to look forward to and everything just seemed pointless and food was my only friend and blahblah stupid shit. but now i get to move back home! and i dont wanna come back as a fat pig! so i need to lose at least 15 pounds by february 1st! let's just hope i stick with it this time, i'm really tired of feeling and looking nasty and not fitting in any of my clothes and stuffffff. k thanks thats all.

i wanna move by february at the latest. maybe i'll stay til february 9th cuz thats my birthday but id like to be gone in january.
i'm looking at all different places but i feel like someone is gonna flake on me at the last minute and i'm gonna be stuck here. kldfjslkdf idk i hate it herreeeee.

really. i hope obama wins, and i hope prop 8 doesnt pass, but i hate the drama. politics brings out the worst in people, especially me. i get so fucking pissed off when people disagree with me on things, and its annoying cuz i try so hard to understand and accept other peoples views. but when people are trying to ban same sex marriage, i just can't understand it. dsklfjskldfj. and what really bothers me is when people say things like VOTE FOR OBAMA. and i ask them "are you registered?" and they say no i forgot to. or something dumb like that. okay i'm sorry but if you aren't gonna vote, then you have no right to be disappointed when the opposite of what you want to happen happens. wtf is wrong with people. if you really cared about these issues, you would do your part. yes its only one vote. but what if everyone thought, o its only one vote i'm just not gonna vote it doesn't matter anyway? skljlfjskljdf i dont know it pisses me off super alot.

i fuck stuff up so bad. like i moved to my mom's. now i'm stuck across the fucking country with no money and no way to get back. i could go back to my dad's, but its like i'd just be crawling back and admitting to him that i'm an idiot, which is hard for me. but i am so desperate to get out of here that i would do it. and since my mom took it upon herself to tell me everything thats wrong with me last night, at this point in time i dont really care if it pisses her off if i move back.
its just hard because i have no one to talk to here. only her. and she told me that i depress her and bring everyone down and i'm too negative and i suck to be around. and she asked me why i dont let anyone like me and i dont let anyone in. and why i can't put myself out there. and why i hate everyone and its never my fault its everyone elses. and ya i know that its probably all true. but it hurts to hear it all at one time from the one person you thought you could talk to.
i have my faults, and they've been really apparent lately because i hate it here and its bringing out the worst in me. but she has her faults too, and i don't go around telling her how much she sucks. like, even when she was telling me all the fucked up things about me, i couldn't bring myself to tell her what i think about her. it was so wierd. i always feel that way when she yells at me though. i can't fight back cuz i dont wanna be too mean or make her have a panic attack or something of the sort. idontknow, but she really hurt me last night. i just wish i had more money. i think i'm gonna actuallly try to talk to my dad about moving back, but that is gonna be sooooo much drama that i just really don't want.
i dont feel like myself here, i feel like a zombie. but tbh, i haven't really felt like myself since i left petaluma.

i dont know what i'm doing. i want to move back to petaluma and go to cosmetology school (even tho i didn't like it when i went before) because i feel like i would have a career, i would have an education of some sort...and my dad would let me live there and pay for it and i would get to live in a place where i'm comfortable and have friends. but my mom would be super pissed and i owe my stepdad 1500 for the car. idk idk idk. i'm super lost right now, and no one can tell me whats the right decision because no one knows.sfjlksd. i wanted to get away from petaluma, but once i did i feel out of place everywhere else. i just miss how i used to be.

new hampshire. i am be starting esthetician school on november 24th. i got a car, a 95 volvo 850. i named him swervy. i've been temping alot, and i got a job at macys but its shitty cuz its 5:30-10 am 4 days a week, and its barely even worth the gas. i might be getting an overnight stocker job at walmart. its shitty, and i hate walmart, but i need money really bad. and they pay 10 something an hour. i'll get like no sleep tho. kdsjflkdj shitty. o and i have to pay 100 dollars to register my car? and then i have to pay to get it inspected or whatever. sdkjflsk i dont have that much money ahha idk what i'm gonna do. i miss california =[

i've been constantly reminded of my mortality.
i saw a man have a heart attack the other day. the ambulance came, he died.
the doctors brought him back, but it really hit me.
no one lives forever.

the recent deaths of people i knew, YOUNG people especially, made me realize that i need to stop holding myself back, live my life for ME, and live each day like it's my last.
no more bs. i'm gonna do what i need to do, because i might not be here long enough to wait around and procrastinate. life is precious, and it's sad that it took me these deaths to realize just how lucky i am to be alive. i won't let my life be a waste.

i'm not invincible, and this world is not fair.

r.i.p. joshua draluck, "shutter speed<3".
and r.i.p. michael marteo, "best friend"